Tag Archives: Love

11 days

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I was sitting on the dock beside a girl buried in her phone, afraid to look up- wondering if she too was about to face an emotional journey like mine. I looked around at all the families, couples, friends- they were all enjoying their beautiful vacation, in a place many would die to get a chance to visit.

I was leaving.

Whether I would return was still a question racing through my mind. It wasn’t much of a vacation for me anymore- it was hatred, fights, tears, and unhappiness. It was the bottomless pit in my stomach wondering where things went wrong. It was the fear of no longer being loved, and having nobody left to stand by me.

It was loneliness.

I was the first to board. I sat by the door to be the first one out, much like I always did. When the boat finally pulled away, I passed by every landmark where we had built a memory. Every single surface of the shore had a goddamn memory. The last bit of land within sight, before drifting into the middle of the ocean, was the beach where we spent many of our days. Tangled up in one another; collecting sea glass, challenging one another to stone skipping contests, and long, freezing walks through blizzards with Gypsy. The house that sheltered us from every season of weather was now miles away. The man who I had adored more than any other was now miles away.

I spent four hours traveling home, racking my brain for answers. Who was I going to turn to? How could I fix this? How would I even explain myself? What was going to happen next? I did a good job lying to myself that things would be better and nothing would change. To my disappointment, that was no longer the outcome. Two days later I reached out to the people I had. I quit my job, I collected a years worth of my memories along with my dog, and I left the island behind me. I roamed the city for two consecutive days and got myself a new job. With more disappointment and a weeks worth of failed success first to come, I finally found myself a beautiful apartment to live in. I confided in the people who really have stood by me, fought through the aching and pain, and pushed myself to achieve what needed to be achieved.

Our lives can change within a blink of an eye. Never assume that things will go according to plan, because that’s not the journey life has set us out on. We are here to face challenges, to meet people who will affect us for eternity- and leave them too. To feel pain, pleasure, and everything else in between.

Be strong no matter how comfortable you may feel.
Strength is what will make us the superior ones.

Everyday Feels

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We often get caught up in the heat of the moment,
when our feelings are raging and our thoughts are unclear.
We begin to believe we are battling our opponent,
when suddenly it is only the end that seems near.
I love you with all of my heart,
but we are much too alike.
I thought we were just getting to the best part,
when you were over telling me to take a hike.
To control these feelings is quite the struggle,
It’s like telling the ocean to stay steady.
I will bite my tongue this time and see what you have to juggle,
allowing you to come to me only when you are ready.

In My Soul

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You never called yourself by your real name.

Nobody else did either because they were afraid,

because the real you was a monster.

Your nicknames would make you feel invincible,

but you were far from that.

We felt you in our bones,

our flesh,

our bloodstreams,

anywhere we could feel, you were there to haunt us.

You wrote me words to tell me you loved me-

they made me feel warm, I felt special,

like I was the tallest woman on earth.

Those were not words of compassion-

those were words of ownership, they were blasphemous;

they were like your many nicknames.

My body was not my own.

You would tell me things like:

Don’t wear that color makeup,

it makes you look like a slut.

Don’t show your skin, nobody else can see that but me.

What would my punishment be this time for breaking the rules-

Would you yell at me until I felt so helpless I would sob?

Would you squeeze my wrists so hard when I would try to escape you,

so my wrists would turn blue?

Would you breathe the smell of whiskey into my mouth and tell me to just do it?

I used to love the many, beautiful scents of candles.

I would fill my room with them,

sometimes light them when you’d come over.

I thought they may impress you

and maybe you could love them as much as I did.

But now I pick them up and imagine you chucking it’s glass at me,

all because I tried to comfort you.

When other men touch me I quiver,

because I remember you touching me

and it hurts.

Since then I cannot feel real trust

and it’s taken me years to love myself,

because for years I was blinded by fake love

and thought I was a princess, but really

I was a slave.

My body was not my own.

Autumn

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I heard the scratching sound of the pin hit the record;

your voice began to fade and all that was filling my ears were the smooth sounds of acoustics and melodies dancing through the wind.

The air blowing in through the window, gently shaking your mother’s old, worn down curtains that should’ve been taken down years ago.

You never did say why you had to leave, all you said was that you wouldn’t be coming back.

Now I’m alone here with these tunes and the smells of crisp autumn air blowing into my face, caressing my long hair.

You know how much I love this season.

I gaze out that window and I imagine myself running through the tall blades of grass, you chasing behind me.

We’d run so fast that we’d stumble and trip over little bits of rocks underneath the tall, untrimmed grass.

I’d cry and you’d pick me up and tell me to keep going,

because we were fighters;

fighters with passion and imagination,

that could get us anywhere we needed to go.

Maybe that’s what drove you to get where you’re going now.

Even if I never see you again, I will always be there to pick you up and tell you to keep going.

While you are off fulfilling your dreams,

witnessing firsthand what this scary world has to offer,

I will be here, with our record player;

savoring the crisp autumn smells,

because it’s only temporary after all.

I’ll enjoy the tall grasses and early sunsets with you-

in my heart.

Don’t Quit Just Yet

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The moment I met you everything changed

It was as if I floated up into the sky –

and lived for hours in a dream.

A dream I never thought I was capable of having;

where everything felt good and nothing else mattered.

You looked into my eyes and the whole world stopped

I was caught in a trance I never thought I’d find myself in.

You touched me,

oh you touched me.

As your hand rested gently on my side I felt your energy

flowing through my body, touching my inner most soul

I felt the warmth from each fingertip

I felt the movements of your body

and the passion emanating through me.

You were something else,

something I had never experienced before.

I felt protected.

All my fears were left up in those seats we stood by.

Still I was living in this unknown world

forgetting that life was still happening outside of us.

You kissed me,

oh you kissed me.

The electricity was enough to blow our surroundings into a million pieces.

Your hands were cold on my leg,

my panties weren’t.

I wanted you, much like you wanted me.

But instead I got in my car, lit up a smoke, and drove away from you.

I felt like I was driving for hours, missing you.

Wondering when I’d hear from you again, what you were doing,

or if I kissed you the way you liked it.

None of it felt right, it felt good, it felt empowering,

it felt like we could rule the world together with the passion we created as one.

Since that day you have changed my life.

I have felt sad, angry, loved, horny, infuriated, overjoyed, grateful, lucky

and every other emotion that could be found in a dictionary.

I’m still miles up there in the sky with you,

chasing planes, stars, planets, and whatever else may be living up there.

I still walk by that parking garage that we sat in

and I stroll down that street we traveled on

when we didn’t exchange many words

but rather, we felt one another.

And I think about being next to you,

wondering if that was going to be the last street we walked down together.

Now I walk down it often to get to you,

to feel what we felt that night together.

I never want to lose that feeling.

I always want to feel your warmth and protection,

your hands on my hips, your tongue in my mouth,

I don’t want to wake from this dream.

All True Love is Normal Love

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At large, are age gapped relationships truly becoming less stigmatized?
If you answered no, here is something to ponder:
Why has it become taboo to break traditions that can be traced back hundreds of years into our history?
If you answered yes, take a minute to understand that you are an exceptional person for being able to embrace “diversity”. Keep doin’ you.

Let us first talk about what key aspects relationships tend to thrive on (in no particular order):

  1. Open communication
  2. Trust
  3. Love & Understanding
  4. Sincerity
  5. Mutual goals
  6. Sex/Romance

All of these contributions to a relationship appear to me as criteria that can be met by humans of any age, provided two partners who sync adequately enough with one another. A young adult is just as likely to be able to experience these qualities as a “more established,” elder adult. I use quotations here because we all know that age has little to do with personal success these days. To achieve these things is to be able to be self- aware. If truly in tune with yourself, there are no limitations stopping you from sharing these feelings and experiences with another, of any age. Love comes from first understanding yourself, and then being able to convert that into love for another, it’s common sense.

Relationships that possess large age gaps often startle outside spectators. It can appear strange to see two people 10, 20, to even 30 years apart and imagine they are able to make it work.  Many questions are posed, like: What do they even talk about? What do they share in common? They’re physically attracted to each other? Well, it’s simple. How do any people talk to each other? What do people in same aged relationships have in common? And are you physically attracted to that person? It’s all the same; I hate to break it to you. There’s no reason to see it as foreign, because it’s all the goddamn same.

Of course as the partners grow older it becomes less difficult for people to fathom. If the age span is 20 years and the two are 20 & 40 years old, it is not going to seem as taboo when they are 40 & 60 years old.

I feel as though all ages should be interpreted on a circumstantial basis, for the most part. You cannot simply view a person’s chronological age and be able to determine their mental state or gauge their maturity, or anything like that. There are plenty of full-grown “adults” who have not grown out of their childhoods, and plenty of children who have long outgrown theirs. I am in no way encouraging adults to engage in relationships with underage children, because they appear as though they are more mature than their age, that is breaking the law. But I am, however, suggesting that it is not fair or ethically right to brand someone incapable of taking on responsibilities only expected by people further into their lives.

What I wish to do is make people out there comfortable with facing who they are. Who we are these days is often categorized by whom we are attracted to. It’s a terrible thing. People ARE gay if they like the same gender, people ARE trans if they want to be every gender, and people ARE strange if they yearn for folks outside of their age groups. Nobody should think less of themselves or any others for what their mind and body have been set out to be attracted to. Rather, it should be embraced and made known that it is okay to be who you are.

Throughout time women have consciously AND subconsciously sought older, wiser men to father her children, because in earlier generations they were portrayed to be the ideal “father figure”. While men have since sought young, fertile mothers to bear his children. Hundreds of years ago this kind of behavior was encouraged. People would not think twice if a 16-year-old girl married a 30-year-old man, it was a common thing to do. Even as recently as the early 1900’s it was less stigmatized than now. I mean, even Don and Megan made it look fun!

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So okay, I may have lied a little back there. There may actually be some practical issues that can arise from relationships with drastic age gaps, whether the woman or the man is older. It’s nothing too detrimental, but things that should certainly not be ignored if you are going to develop a long-term commitment with someone outside of your age bracket.

It is important for both, but usually more so for the younger partner to still establish self-reliance and assurance. It should be a joint effort to be consciously aware that the older partner is not interfering with crucial developmental stages of the younger partner’s life. Though the two could emotionally be on the same page, it does not mean that there are not practical things that one partner has yet to experience in life. Both partners should be understanding of this. Generally, when two people are truly in love, obstacles like this are easy to overcome. Patience should be truly valued if this circumstance arises.

The topic of building a family together can also be hot grounds to walk on. It is important to be on the same page when it comes to these kinds of things. Whether it is marriage and/or having children with your partner, you two are in different stages of your lives. Be sure that the two of you both feel right about whatever drastic jump you plan to take together. This is something every couple should always consider, no matter the age difference!

There is no reason a relationship with a large age span should not be able to function long-term like any other. As long as there is love and all other essential feelings to aide a relationship, with a partner you are on the same page with, anything can work. Hopefully as time goes on, the idea of the matter will grow to become less stigmatized like it once was. We should all be sensitive and considerate to those around us who may stray from the “norm”. Because really when it comes down to it, none of us come close to being normal – whatever that may be.

-Please share your thoughts.